Yesterday I am headed to the bus. In my own world, snickering at something in my head, I look to see what line to get in for the bus and make eye contact with a woman. She stared me up and down with a vague look of disgust on her face. When her eyes met mine, my eyebrows were up in my bangs as if to say - Yessss? I responded with a saucy look.
I go to Twitter, as I usually do to vent, rave or mumble. Muttering about this lady. The feedback is swift, supportive, humourous and kind. More on that momentarily.
I sat on the bus and mentally scanned myself - why would someone be disgusted to see me? I am clean, tidy, smiling and presentable. Or am I? I am inarguably overweight (I call it rubenesque but whatever), I wear clothes and shoes that please me (skirts over the knee and heels to high heaven). Do I dress inappropriately for my body shape? Age? Gender? Employment?
Suddenly I am 15 again. Hating my looks. Self-conscious to an extreme degree. Wearing ill-fitting clothes. No physical sparkle, no shine. Second guessing everything I say, do or think. Worrying about my looks is, in the big scheme of life, pretty damn minor - I still do.
Then I look at Twitter:
Tina @tinacapalbo
Lori @pitcherplantnl: Does it really matter tho? Some people r very judgmental for entire life then settle into it like an entitlement in old age.
Does it really matter what a complete stranger thinks? Does it matter what anyone thinks? Was I happy in the 30 seconds preceding this encounter? Was I proud to be me? Why do I f-ing care?
I wish I had an answer - not so much to explain to you, but for me.
I wish I could tell you that her look didn't make me pause this morning while getting ready for work. But I wore what I wanted anyway. Maybe that's all the explanation I need.
Postscript
Maybe her look had nothing at all to do with me. Huh - why didn't I consider that?
Honey, it's not about you.
ReplyDeleteIt's about the fact that she was thinking about something that made her miserable and in that moment, she looked at you and likely, her mind was a million miles away. Or she was hating herself and projecting it on everyone else.
Keep being your bad fab self.
I envy your heel-walking ability.
You are beautiful! The more confident you are in yourself and your choices, like wearing fabulous heels, the less you'll start to question and care about other people. She was probably jealous! Stupid wench of a woman.
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