Having Those Hard Conversations with Yourself

There's cussing following - You've been warned.

I promise... I will return to lighter posts any day now.  Sometimes I see this blog as snapshots of my life - oooh mascara, oooh gardens, oooh food, oooh life...  fuck.

This past 2 years have been... challenging for me.  Not like Mount Everest climbing challenging, but a "what does Lori want" challenging, "what is Lori's doing to/for herself" challenging.

I live a great life - honestly, I do.  Wonderful family and friends who are so supportive it hurts sometimes, great job, lots of lovely opportunities.  But.... (oh shut up Lori with your buts)

BUT, there's a hole and sometimes it's tiny and other times it's like a gorge that I can't see my way across.  This hole is a type of emptiness or yearning that I can't articulate - hell I don't know what would fill it to be honest.

I've tried things in the past two years to fill it, or empty it depending on the day.  But there it sits, waiting for me to look straight at it and recognize what "it" means.  I've made mistakes, behaved out of character for me, been unhappy or blissfully happy. There are folks who ride it with me, have borne the brunt of it and still they stick around.  See??? LUCKY!

I wish there was a trick to this, I do.  There isn't.  All I know is that there is something I need to discover about myself and when I do that hole will make sense.  Will the hole vanish?  Not likely... BUT, maybe it will be something I forget and not something that I constantly remember.

Oh, in case you are worried...  I am still a ridiculous arsehole. You can sleep easy now.

Cheers,
Lori


Why would I include this picture? Because it makes me smile after a serious post.